by guest author Leslie Lehr
I was in the best shape of my life when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I exercised, ate healthy food, and was juggling writing and family responsibilities. I felt like a random target. But when I learned the importance of a healthy “terrain” – safe from physical, environmental, hereditary, and emotional dangers, I knew exactly where I fell short. Anxiety.
Like many writers, I work out my worries in stories. My new novel, What A Mother Knows, is the perfect example. It was inspired by my daughter crying at night, by a stint on jury duty, and by my vivid imagination for the worst. If only I could control life as easily as words on the page.
It takes 20 years to get cancer, they say, the seeds lurk until you are vulnerable enough to let them sprout. I’ve survived enough trauma in my life to believe I could survive anything, but apparently my body knew better. In the year before I was diagnosed, I was anxious about both work and family – imagining the worst became my default mode. I tried everything: deep breathing apps, counseling, Xanax. I even turned my phone off during yoga. I sailed through the surgeries, but once chemo began, there was no denying it. I needed to try harder. Ironically, that meant to stop trying so hard.
Since my book release was scheduled before my diagnosis, I had no choice but to limit promotion. I struggled to start a new project. I could barely speak words in order, let alone write them. Even now, I have precious time between medical appointments, chemo fog, and radiation fatigue. At book events, I’ll need a wig, eyelashes, gloves, and a high-necked dress. And yet, most of the time, I am happy.
Not long after that day when the doctor held me, crying in his arms, I realized that if I died, I would be smiling. This is the love story I always wanted to write, the life I always wanted to live. I can’t blame anyone else for my illness. But I can’t blame myself either. I can stop being so anxious – I have to.
Chill, my daughter would say. It’s a challenge, when we want to accomplish so much. Even when we carve out time to write, there is a certain grace that can be helpful. Not grace under pressure, but grace instead of pressure. When people ask what I am working on now, I tell them: answering this question.
Leslie Lehr
What A Mother Knows, May 2013, Sourcebooks Landmark
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Tags: anxiety, author, book promotion, books, breast cancer, chemotherapy, chill, grace, writing
This week’s Friday FreeBee is HOPE FLOATS: STORIES ON LOSS AND LIVING ON by Malena Lott. Download it in the Kindle store today for free. (If you don’t have a Kindle you can still use their app or browser to get it.) The book also includes the first three chapters of SOMETHING NEW, a novel with the modern retelling of the Princess and the Pauper. A special thanks to everyone who downloaded or previous free promotions for Treasure Quest and TMI Mom Bites the Big Apple! Both titles hit top spots in their categories and Hope Floats is #1 in death and grief.
